Today was a rough one. I have expected to have some hard days- days when I'm really challenged. But this one is getting to me.
Calvin wouldn't nap yesterday or today. He's getting into things he knows he shouldn't. And while he hasn't quite gotten the hang of listening when we say, "no!", he acted like we didn't even exist today. He's been pushing his limits and testing us to see just how far he can go. I know exactly what's going on and I know that he is at that stage in his development. After our little ones learn to walk and gain some independence, most of them start testing things out. Their entire lives are one gigantic experiment and they are the tiny mad scientists. This experimentation includes seeing just how far they can push mommy and/or daddy.
Well today was the day for Calvin to launch that test, apparently. He threw a temper tantrum like none I've ever witnessed from him. I hope and pray I never have to see...well mainly hear it again. [Yes I know that is completely unrealistic, but hush. A mommy can dream!] He was getting into all of the baskets on his diaper changing table; pulling things out, flinging stuff all over his room, trying to open bottles, etc. Well, he got a hold of the Vaseline container and managed to get it open. That was the last straw for me. I did not need grease all over everything. I had a terrifying flash in my head of what might happen if he had it in his possession for a second longer. I snatched it from him, smacked his hand and started yelling. I just lost it**. Charlie came in and grabbed him and that's when it started. He was whining after I smacked his hand, but when his daddy came in, he knew he was in trouble. About 15 minutes into this episode of crying and screaming, Charlie put him in his crib. Calvin was to stay in there (with Charlie sitting in the chair across from him), until he chilled the eff out. I couldn't deal with the screaming. I had a really hard time with it. Charlie was a champ, though. He wasn't overly mean, but he was focused on getting Calvin to chill out. I just wanted to pick the baby up, give him his juice and cry. We are not the "cry it out" kind of parents. We do fall on more of the attachment parenting side of the line so leaving our child alone to scream for hours on end just isn't our style. In our mind it does more harm than good. Contact and communication is important in cases like this, even at this age. And most of the time Charlie and I agree on what actions to take when it comes to discipline or preventative actions. But today, I'm so grateful Charlie was there to take control of things because my head was not in a good place. Charlie did an awesome job handling both myself and the baby.
Like I said, I knew exactly what was going on. I told Calvin, "No!" repeatedly and he kept pushing the limit. He's got a strong will just like me. [Congratulations Momma and Daddy! The "curse" worked; I had one just like me.] I knew that he was just testing me and that this really is part of his development, but I still got angry. I got too angry. I got angry partly because I'm tired. If Calvin doesn't nap, I don't nap. And I still rely on that one or two-hour stretch where I can have some quiet time in the middle of the day to rest. It's why I can afford to sleep a little less at night. But neither of us have been getting that. So my brain isn't rested and it's already a little out of focus. Add to that the fact that this kid has a gazillion toys, but he'd rather have something he shouldn't. So instead of focusing on teaching him that those weren't to be played with, I just got pissed.
I'm trying not to beat myself up about it too much. It won't be the last time I get angry with my little guy over something that ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, just doesn't matter. It's difficult to not be listened to; to not feel respected. And while it's normal to feel upset about that, I've got to keep in mind that he's new here. He's only 15 months old and he has SO much to learn. He can't completely grasp the concept of listening to me because I know better. He doesn't know how to say "respect" much less what it means. I've got to remember to focus on breathing and being calmer even if that means walking away for a minute or two. Because I hate feeling so angry like I did today.
Elle
**I do not hit/spank/beat my child. I firmly tap the back of his hand with mine. That is my typical form of punishment. The worst I've done is popped his bottom once while he was wearing a rather thick cloth diaper and the little punk just laughed. While sometimes raising my voice is the only way to get Calvin's attention, I try to watch my temper. Today, however, I yelled. A lot.